I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
