Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
