i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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