my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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