Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
