Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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