I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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