You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm getting married
To pizza
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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