Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
