I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
