He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
