i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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