shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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