I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
