You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
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