Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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