Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I want her autograph on my taint
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
