Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
