the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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