just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
