I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
