I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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