cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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