Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
