nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You need a sexual gate keeper
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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