Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
