that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
