Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
