I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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