You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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