i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
