i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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