i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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