another moral hangover. fuck.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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