fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
His nipple licking is glorious
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