Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
