i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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