break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
If that was your dad, he is hot
I need to stop coming to work sober
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
