I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
