I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
