he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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