Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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