The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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