No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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