I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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