2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
