I've blown a few things in my day
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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