I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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