we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
