I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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