even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
