we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
