i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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